How do I warn my husband to keep his shirt on?

Dear EricHow do I tell my husband he has breasts?

He is not a vain man and I suspect he does not look in the mirror. He is taking many new medications that may cause this condition.

He’s usually fully clothed, but it’s summer and at some point he might want to take his shirt off to swim with his friends. I’m sure he’d be embarrassed to do so if he knew what he looked like.

I don’t want him to feel self-conscious, and he may be angry with me for pointing this out and making him self-conscious. I also fear that he will stop taking the medications he needs in reaction to this discovery.

– Reserved observation

Dear Observation:Are your breasts on your back? The only way I see this information being useful is if you have new growths in a place you can’t see and aren’t aware of. Otherwise, just leave it alone.

He may not be vain, or even especially observant, but he’s still a person with a body, and presumably he showers and dresses himself. So he’s conscious of his appearance. And, with that consciousness, if he decides to take his shirt off on a pool day with people he’s comfortable with, let him.

My God, life can be so short on pleasures. If he’s not ashamed, don’t give him any reason to be. Each person’s body is his own business.

Dear Eric: My wife, to whom I was married for 39 years and now deceased, knew of my clinical depression and was very supportive during my week-long stay in a psychiatric ward, followed by a few months of outpatient care.

Widowed since 2020, I am now in a stable relationship with a woman I have been dating for two years. I moved into her house six months ago.

Although I’ve been transparent with my girlfriend about my depression, which is largely controlled with medication, I’ve never mentioned my hospital stay 12 years ago. Should I be honest with her about my entire mental health history at this point in our relationship and perhaps risk it all?

– Fear of sharing

Dear Share: If your girlfriend loves you enough to combine houses with you, I dare say she loves you enough to accept all parts of you, even the ones you’re ashamed of. That said, it’s okay not to bring up something that happened a dozen years ago.

I remember a song by Tracy Chapman called “At This Point in My Life,” which I used to listen to over and over when I was in my 20s and very depressed. Much of the song is about someone who is afraid that they will only be defined by the mistakes they have made. But, towards the end, there are these lyrics:

At this point in my life/I’d like to live like only love matters/As if redemption is in sight/As if the quest to live honestly/Is all anyone needs/It doesn’t matter if you find it.

I’ve found comfort in that for decades.

Tell your girlfriend what you feel comfortable saying, knowing that she can hold it and hold you back. Don’t let shame convince you that there are aspects of your mental health issue that make you unlovable. And give yourself permission to let go of some parts of the past.

Dear Eric: I have many friends who are facing truly tragic situations, such as the premature death of a sibling or the very serious illness of a spouse.

I know the worst thing I could do would be to disappear, but I also live in fear of saying the wrong thing or putting them in the position of comforting me.

What do you suggest to help people who are in a terrible situation without accidentally saying things that make them feel worse? I am grieving for them and I don’t want to accidentally hurt them.

– Walking on eggshells

Dear eggshells: Often when we talk to people who are going through difficult times, we stumble trying to find the perfect solution to make everything better, as if we were greeting cards or magic spells. We forget our true powers: empathy, a listening ear, and sometimes a helping hand.

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How do I warn my husband to keep his shirt on?

ByS. Jacob

By S. Jacob

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