We watched every minute of Cristiano Ronaldo’s YouTube channel so you never have to

Whom Atletico, We are fully aware of our responsibilities towards you, our dear readers. We try to go above and beyond in public service.

This week alone, for example, we attended four Premier League games in four days to gauge fan and club sentiment ahead of the new season.

We also travelled around the country to tell moving stories of lost football stadiums.

We’ve also watched, in what has probably been the most arduous and exhausting task of all, every minute of every video on Cristiano Ronaldo’s new official YouTube channel so you don’t have to. Yes, we know. You’re welcome.

The channel launched a few days ago and, at the time of writing, has already attracted over 40 million subscribers – or, as they are called in Ronaldo’s videos, “siuuuubscribers”. That sound we can hear is your eyes rolling back in your head.

His name is UR Cristiano, meaning you’re Cristiano. You’re not, obviously, but he is, and he’s not the shyest of guys, so as you can imagine, many of the 12 videos (and several “shorts”) posted so far feature a muscular, unrelenting focus on how incredibly cool he is.

Actually, it’s not all about him. We also meet his partner Georgina (who you may have already met from her own Netflix series titled “I Am Georgina”… there’s a theme here) and his eldest son, named Cristiano Ronaldo Jr (the least surprising boy name you’ve ever heard).

But overall, it’s just the latest step in Ronaldo’s seemingly unstoppable ego evolution, an unsurpassable path of astonishing self-admiration that will presumably only end with him buying the moon and writing CR7 on it in huge letters visible throughout the galaxy.

Don’t believe us? Well, let’s start with some of the video titles:

• “Find out EVERYTHING about us. Who will win?” (Nobody wins, Cristiano. You just get a little bit better each time.)
• “This is how I felt when I discovered paradise… The Red Sea Project, Saudi Arabia.” (This is definitely not a contractually binding advertisement for Saudi Arabia.)
• “This is how I handle the pressure of being a Christian” (What is the first symptom of madness, they say? Speaking in the third person).

The videos range in length from 24 seconds to three and a half minutes, and if you’re hoping to get meaningful insights into how Ronaldo became one of the greatest players of all time, what it takes to win five Champions Leagues or five Ballon d’Ors, or even basic information like who his toughest opponent was, you’re sadly looking in the wrong place.

There isn’t even a recap of Al Nassr’s 1-1 draw with Al Raed last weekend, or any reflection on what it was like to score against goalkeeper Meshari Sunyur (who doesn’t yet have his own Wikipedia page, if you were wondering).

What there is is a lot of forced smiles, a lot of slightly awkward glances at the camera, a lot of “yeah” words and a lot of short clips talking about their brilliance.

He rates one of his old goals for Portugal with a ‘SIUUUMETER’, shows his kids an award for having the fastest growing YouTube channel (he gained over 20 million subscribers in 24 hours) and then he and Georgina sit around talking about how great he is. No, seriously.

“I think it’s a promising project with guaranteed success, like everything you do,” says Georgina in a completely improvised speech. “With your dedication and that magnetism that attracts people, and that curiosity that you arouse in your fans and in the whole world, it’s a guaranteed success, I have no doubt about it.”

It is perfectly normal to feel nauseous.

Ronaldo replied: “I also count on your support because it is a fairly large project, and just as you have a lot of followers who are boys, but also a lot of women.”

This article is supposed to explain the channel to you, but honestly, that sentence is copied word for word and I won’t give you any explanation. It’s up to you.

Wait, there’s a video called “This is how I overcame adversity in life.” Hmm, that sounds interesting. There might be some substance here, even though it’s only 45 seconds long.

“I think everything that happens in life happens for a reason,” Ronaldo said in a press conference in an English accent. “I have no problem saying that there were bad moments in my career. Regrets? I guess there is no time in this life for regrets. Life goes on. We learn from it. Regardless of whether things go well or not, it is part of our evolution as human beings.”

I mean, yeah, so far, so philosophical. The screen then cuts to Ronaldo taking a soft foul from France’s Theo Hernandez during this summer’s Euros. He stands up while appearing to exaggerate a head injury.

This is the adversity that he has overcome in life.

“I’m thankful that I went through some hardships,” the video continues as we focus on the offense, which didn’t even result in a warning. “Because when we’re on top of the mountain, it’s hard to see what’s down there. Thank God, I was able to see a lot of things and I’m thankful for that. And I’m a better person.”

He’s a better man after the mistake and he’s on top of a mountain. I’m glad we got that out of the way.

Well, then it says: “Cristiano Jr. dares to challenge me… with a free throw!”

This should be fun, given that Ronaldo’s record for scoring free kicks at major international tournaments is one goal in 60 attempts.

Don’t wait, look, he scored on his first attempt! Incredible. A 20-yard shot into the top corner. That was definitely only done in one take.

Okay, it’s time to really learn something. We need substance and it seems like we’re only going to get it with phrases like “Nadal or Djokovic? Boxing or UFC? NBA or NFL? Those are my passions!”

In the one-minute video, Ronaldo is shown standing with his hands in his pockets and tilting his head towards his sport or person of choice. For the record (spoiler alert), he likes the NBA, UFC, tennis, F1, Michael Jordan, The Rock and Tom Brady. Our Cristiano loves losers. He also completely avoids the question about Djokovic or Nadal by not answering either of them. Nonsense.

We’ll skip the Saudi Arabia ad where Ronaldo says the Red Sea Project (a luxury resort development of 90 islands off the west coast of Saudi Arabia) is his favorite place because it’s known around the world, so he likes the quiet before recommending that “everyone” visit.

Losing the desire to live here. Let’s watch the one that says we’ll find out “EVERYTHING” about him and his wife.

It’s a game of Mr. and Mrs. and this time, we have American accents as voiceovers. Remember, it says we’re going to find out. all About them. This should be good.

Cristiano’s favourite song is the question What’s he going to play? Loser by Beck? Where Is My Mind by Pixies?

Oh, Georgina has put “changes every summer.” Ronaldo has put “none.” We learn that he doesn’t like music. Great.

Okay, fine. I’ve got enough internet for one day now.

What’s the problem? you might say. It’s just a bit of fun. Over 40 million people like it and most of them are probably children, which is presumably the market being targeted here. Good point. Keep it up, Cristiano. You are who you are.

But the discerning football fan expecting a Louis Theroux-style analysis of one of the most successful sportsmen of all time will be sorely disappointed because there is absolutely no substance to this vanity project which, in short, is a complete waste of any adult’s time.

Thanks to The athleticIt’s not a waste of time anyway. You’re welcome.

(Top photo: YouTube/@cristiano)