Sexual sparks don’t just happen. Here’s how to create them

Editor’s note: Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and relationship contributor for CNN. His most recent book is a couples guide, “Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”

CNN
—

As a couples therapist, my clients tell me a lot about dry spells and sexless relationships, but when I dig a little deeper, it’s not always the act of sex that these couples are looking for. More than anything, they want to be desired.

Even when a couple has sex regularly (say, once a week), what is often missing is a sense of sensuality in the relationship. They are missing what I call the “erotic thread,” the connective tissue between those weekly sexual events, where our sexual selves can move in and out of an erotic moment.

That moment can be a squeeze, a tease, a grab or a grope, a push or a pull inward (all consensual). It’s a healthy sense of objectification: looking at your partner as a delicious meal you want to consume, and on the other hand, feeling your partner’s hunger. These flirtatious moments are sexual sparks, not invitations to have sex. right now.

“The sexual spark often involves physical and emotional elements that create a sense of excitement, attraction and connection between partners,” says Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida. “It can manifest in a variety of ways depending on the people involved, including flirting, physical contact, eye contact, passionate kissing or spontaneity.”

In fact, research suggests that these moments of feeling desired are key to many people’s sexual fantasies. A survey of the sexual fantasies of 4,175 American adults by Justin Lehmiller, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute, found that 96% of women and 93% of men had fantasized about feeling desired before.

Most women and men said this was something they fantasized about often. “People’s fantasies about feeling desired are about much more than just knowing that their partner finds them attractive and desirable — they’re about you being irresistible and your partner being hungry for you,” Lehmiller said. “That creates a sense of urgency, passion and connection that heightens sexual intensity.”

Although it may seem surprising, sexual sparks don’t always happen on their own, especially if you’ve been with your partner for a while.

“Early in relationships, we tend to be much more sexually connected, and that’s because there are fewer shared spheres of identity,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a sex therapist in New York City.

“The more time a couple spends together, the more our identities overlap,” Sokoll said. “We’re not just lovers and friends — we’re enmeshed financially, as roommates, and in many other aspects of identity that are not attractive. Many of us don’t even realize we’re ignoring our sexual identity because it just doesn’t seem to exist anymore.”

That’s not the only factor that can keep us from cultivating that erotic thread. “Anxiety and stress, resentment and unresolved conflicts, predictability, discomfort with sexual language and conversation, fear of rejection, lack of experience, and even distractions like social media can all get in the way,” Needle said.

So how can you rekindle the sexual spark? Here’s what I advise my clients.

Take the pressure off. Focusing on sex—or the frequency of sex—can put pressure on you or your partner, often producing the opposite effect: anxiety, stress, and avoidance.

“I often encourage couples to focus on fostering eroticism between them,” said New York-based psychologist Signe Simon.

“This can mean flirting, sexting, kissing or massages, without the goal of having sex. When partners feel desired without pressure or expectations, it creates vitality and romance in the relationship, which often sparks desire.”

New York psychologist Simone Humphrey added: “Making romantic advances is a form of vulnerability, so don’t forget to affirm and value those efforts in your partner.”

Don’t assume anything. In heterosexual relationships, men tend to experience spontaneous desire more easily and may be more likely to initiate these erotic charges. For example, a husband may see his wife getting out of the shower and feel a sexual urge, while she may see him getting out of the shower and think, “She better get dressed or we’ll be late.”

But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t find him desirable, or that men don’t want to feel desired.

“Many women experience sexual attraction when they feel emotionally connected to their partner or in response to erotic stimuli, such as flirting, dirty talk, tactile sensations or other sexual cues,” said Elizabeth Perri, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Illinois.

“Men want to be desired, too,” Perri said. “We are socialized to think that the woman is the ‘sex object’ and the man is the one who demonstrates desire and ‘is the one who pursues.’ But when I work with heterosexual couples in my office, I find that the female partner is often surprised to discover how much her male partner wants to feel desired, pursued, and even sexually objectified.”

Bring it to a simmer. There are countless ways to keep the spark of desire alive between sexual encounters. “Greeting and goodbye rituals are so important for couples. I encourage my clients to savor the kiss or hug so they can ‘simmer’ until the next time they can have sex,” said Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York.

“An important aspect of this is to throw out the idea of ​​not starting something unless you can finish it,” Dillon said. “Flirting is an important and fun way to keep the erotic spark alive. Sending sexy photos or texts can serve to keep the spark alive throughout the day. Touch is also crucial to maintaining the connection, and eye contact is the most intimate way to do this.”

The “simmering” technique is also a good strategy for couples with libido differences or discrepancies in desire. “So often, when couples experience a discrepancy in desire, contact becomes intense. Any contact between partners ends up feeling like a question (“Are you available for sex?”) or an initiation (“Let’s have sex!”),” said Illinois psychologist Alexandra Solomon.

As a result, couples may begin to touch each other less because they fear their touch will be misinterpreted or rejected.

“When simmering, a couple agrees to have a lot of physical contact that is an end in itself, such as kissing in the kitchen or a long hug in the bathroom, etc.,” she explained.

“That contact reminds both people of their erotic connection, but it doesn’t have to lead to anything more in the moment. When couples practice boiling, they keep that channel open, which makes it easier to transition from a domestic connection to an erotic one.”

Objectifying each other, with consent. Feeling desired, violated or like a sexual object can be a validating experience, but many people, particularly men, need their partner to give consent first. “A healthy relationship is one that provides the freedom to objectify our partner in order to enjoy a richer sexual relationship,” Dillon said. “You can give this permission in a variety of ways, from naming it (‘I want you’) to dirty talk to outright discussion of consent.”

Consider your partner’s desires. “If you try to maintain an erotic thread by doing something you know your partner doesn’t like, it’s not going to work,” Sokoll said.

“It may seem obvious, but sometimes people have underlying factors that lead them to ignore, criticize, or dismiss their lover’s response, which in turn undermines any efforts to maintain an erotic thread. Take charge of knowing what your lover likes.”

Keep the communication open. Not sure where to start? Start with a conversation. “It can be overwhelming to start making gestures meant to keep an erotic thread in your relationship. You may worry that you’re sending the wrong message and that your lover will become frustrated or confused and think you’re initiating a full-on sexual encounter,” Sokoll said.

“Let your partner know what you’re doing. You can say, ‘I want to increase our sexual connection between times when we have sex,’ or ‘I want to try doing things that help us remember that we’re in a sexual relationship.’ This can and should be fun.”

Remember that erotic thread (and sex itself) is the glue that helps hold good relationships together. “When a couple has had sex, they are often happier the next morning and find life more meaningful,” Dillon said. “Share those feelings with each other to maintain that connection and keep it simmering until the next time you have sex.”

Get inspired with a weekly roundup of how to live well, simply. Subscribe to CNN’s Life, But Better newsletter for insights and tools designed to improve your well-being..