The Wolverines remain on top as more chaos looms

We warned you. We warned you, this is where college football was headed, a lawless landscape where anything goes and anyone can go anywhere at any time. You cried for it, you even demanded it.

Well, what do you think now? Players are bought by programs and programs are bought by conferences and conferences are bought by cigar-smoking television executives who spend literally billions of dollars. It will be especially embarrassing this weekend when the players take the field still with price tags tied to their ankles.

Last season was the craziest season ever, with so many changes, so many changes. I mean, who would have thought the game would lose three football legends in the same year: Jim Harbaugh, Nick Saban, Mel Tucker? Who would have thought the Big Ten would have 16 members (18 if you still count Rutgers and Maryland) and that the best players would make more money than the biggest sponsors?

Who would have thought the national champion would be Michigan, riding its hobbyhorse, right in front of a police convoy? The Wolverines threw aside all pretense and decorum and finished with a 15-0 record, including their annual thrashing of The Ohio, their annual Big Ten title and their first national championship in 26 years. It was especially shocking, considering Michigan was beset by every Dick(Tracy) in the NCAA sniffing around Harbaugh’s discarded sandwich wrappers.

The Wolverines were victorious and vilified, and everyone is still angry and demanding that the NCAA kick their asses. All because a crafty ex-Marine and vacuum cleaner salesman named Connor Stalions was able to read signals to such an extent that opposing coaches simply stopped tackling Blake Corum.

It was quite the controversy, as Michigan used guts, guile and kids with old iPhones to win it all. There were already clear signs that the Wolverines would be dominant, considering they had half the NFL’s roster. But apparently, the only signs that mattered were the grainy videos obtained by the Stalions’ independent detective group.

Everyone joined in the frenzy to unmask the pompous Wolverines, from NCAA investigators to renowned college football experts like Stephen A. Smith to a well-known Buckeye forum warrior named Brohio, who appeared in a menacing costume in the recent Netflix documentary. (If at any point you think I’m making something up, please stop me.) I even heard that a creepy guy with a jet-black beard and a three-game losing streak against UM took Harbaugh’s whistle away to test for DNA. (Okay, I made that up.)

Michigan had been found guilty of recruiting violations that were hilariously (but irresponsibly!) related to cheeseburgers, and Harbaugh and Sherrone Moore were hit with suspensions. Then came the sign-stealing revelations, and the Big Ten went from vigilante to vigilante. Harbaugh was ejected from the final three crucial games, dragged off a plane the day before facing Penn State. The Wolverines tried to right the wrong by politely calling every play (32 straight runs, true story), but the Nittany Lions were hopelessly flummoxed.

The scandal went from crazy to absurd, but it actually unified the Wolverines and everyone else. In a touching display of underclass brotherhood, the Buckeyes and Spartans bonded on the Internet, gleefully playing with their emojis while writing eloquent comments like, “Damn cheaters! Their wins should be overturned!” They demanded that Michigan’s victories be erased from the record books and memory banks, and that the program be immediately banned from beating any more opponents.

The Wolverines were rightly shamed and crowned, and I understand that many fans can’t reconcile that. Now it’s in the hands of UM and NCAA lawyers, who are expected to spend years arguing over the distinction between “I don’t remember” and “I’ve never seen a stud.” But for aggrieved fans, the quest for murky justice continues. What quest? Yes, that quest.

The roots of chaos and discord were planted long ago. They were warned about this as far back as 1993, when the Big Ten saw a ramshackle team in the hills of Pennsylvania that couldn’t afford real uniforms. They invited Penn State in, fed and clothed it, and allowed it to stay as long as it promised to lose every big game.

So began the ravenous march, the destruction of boundaries, a three-decade expansion into a world of unholy alliances and unrecognizable conferences. We were warned it would get even more complicated when college football caved to the masses and introduced a four-team playoff in 2014. There are now 12 teams, and they won’t stop growing until every pesky little program in America has a chance, including all of Michigan (Eastern, Western, Central, State).

Unfortunately, money and turmoil have created horrible, unintended consequences. USC, UCLA, Washington and Oregon are the new Big Ten prospects, and what do you tell visitors from California when they arrive in West Lafayette, Indiana, and can’t get a decent pedicure or seaweed facial? My goodness, the Pac-12 tiptoed out the door at 3:30 on a Tuesday morning while Oregon State and Washington State were still asleep.

They were warned that many would get their hands dirty trying to keep up with the Joneses, Billy Bobs and Urbans. The Big Ten has been hit by a veritable crime wave. Michigan State paid $95 million for Tucker, then fired him after he refused to keep things in order. At Iowa, Kirk Ferentz was given a one-game suspension for luring Cade McNamara to help the Hawkeyes find an end zone.

And of course there’s the scourge of Michigan, which got tired of losing rivalry games and gaining national prestige and, how do you put it, crossed confusing lines. In the process, it got slapped with probation, recruiting restrictions and Level I accusations of justification. That used to be called “Wednesday” in the SEC.

If you’re a stickler for old-fashioned rules, you’d call it blatant cheating. You might also suggest the Wolverines were so good it didn’t matter. It certainly wasn’t very Michigan Man-esque, though sign-stealing itself is allowed and spying has been a part of college football longer than Lee Corso and Jack Tuttle combined.

That’s no excuse for the Wolverines, who always claimed to push themselves harder, and apparently a lot of people believed them. But in the new model of college football, did anyone really think Michigan would continue to cloak itself in righteousness, keeping its nose clean and its trophy case dusty? Did anyone really think Harbaugh would let his complaints against the forces of evil (Buckeyes, Spartans, NCAA, SEC, NOA) go unanswered? Did dumb rivals really think NOA stood for Notice of Asterisks?

Aside from an occasional Netflix appearance and a coaching job at Detroit Mumford High School, Stalions has receded into obscurity. He said UM coaches were unaware of his sign-stealing and that he didn’t believe he violated the ban on in-person scouting because the “in-person people” weren’t technically him, but friends. Well, except for the time one of his “friends” showed up on the sideline of the Michigan State-CMU game dressed as Stalions (allegedly!).

The Spartans were furious, convinced they wouldn’t have lost to Michigan, 49-0, if not for the damn cheater. Maybe 45-7, at worst. Other Big Ten programs were furious, too, berating rookie commissioner Tony Petitti while feverishly deleting their own computer files of stolen signals. (This is just a guess on my part. In legal parlance, it’s known as the “everyone does it” argument, and it’s flimsy except when everyone does it in some way — but not so blatantly and arrogantly.)

Now a new era begins in our state, with Moore wearing the crown of thorns after Harbaugh took a leave of absence to go to the NFL. Michigan State was determined not to repeat the mistakes, and yet somehow hired another John (not L) Smith. I’m told his real name is Jonathan C. Smith, which is fortunate for him, but unfortunate for me. He brought in dozens of new players, most of whom probably don’t even know how to spell De’antoni.

Over time, some sense of normalcy may return, though I doubt it. The Brohio blogger featured in the documentary wore a mask and spoke in an electronically altered voice, presumably to protect his family from embarrassment. Brohio’s estate is also said to have spent $20 million to buy players (legally!).

The Bucks and Ducks are the favorites to win the Big Ten, but I wouldn’t count out Penn State (yes, I would count that out) or Michigan (now using astrological signs). The Wolverines lost all of their offensive players and supposedly have a lot to prove, despite having a 40-3 record over the past three seasons.

On one hand, that record coincides with Stalions’ arrival. On the other, it also coincides with Harbaugh hiring respected NFL assistants with defensive schemes better suited to UM’s elite talent, complementing them with incredible continuity on the offensive line and then instructing smart quarterbacks like J.J. McCarthy not to throw interceptions. Last time we checked, 13 Wolverines were selected in the 2024 NFL draft, and Stalions was not among them.

How will this absurd story be remembered, then? The demise of Michigan’s hallowed arrogance, its success tarnished? (Yes.) The celebration of a truly talented championship team, of victors vindicated? (Yes.) The culmination of Harbaugh’s extraordinary mission, forever altering college football by exposing its flaws and hypocrisies, while exposing his own? (Yes.)

At least the scandal brought some benefits. It produced volumes of shrill, ill-informed content for TV and radio charlatans. It validated the NCAA’s decision to finally authorize helmet-wearing communication devices that should put signal-stealers out of business — unless that Michigan Stadium Wi-Fi password is somehow cracked.

And it reminded college football fans why they love the game and despise each other. It was the end of innocence and the spread of insolence, and now it can’t be stopped.

You were warned.

The selections

➤Fresno State in Michigan: Jim Harbaugh won’t be in the Big House as an honorary captain, though the NCAA has a SWAT team ready just in case. Fresno State is a clear underdog with a lot of motivation. If the Bulldogs win, they’ll be able to replace UCLA in the expanded Big Ten, according to my misguided sources. Choose: Michigan 30-16

➤Florida Atlantic at Michigan State: FAU gained fame thanks to Dusty May, now Michigan’s basketball coach, and May is reportedly negotiating with the Big Ten Network to have Tom Izzo interviewed on the sideline. New coach Jon “?” Smith plans to make sweeping changes, including the possible introduction of an offensive line. Choose: Michigan State 28-17

➤Akron in the state of Brohio: The Buckeyes are loaded, in all the usual ways. Ryan “Third” Day is so haunted by his 1-3 record against Michigan, he’s privately researched ways to rectify it. He’s also been seen in front of a mirror practicing his “We’re really, really tough!” speech. Choose: Brohio 50-3

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@bobwojnowski

Breaking

The Wolverines remain on top as more chaos looms

ByS. Jacob

The selections

By S. Jacob

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